Friday, April 28, 2017

Get ready to crumble

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - Get ready to crumble:
{Bear Cat jumps on the bed and finds Momma's stuffed bear, Beary, on the bed}
BC: Excuse YOU, you mangy, filthy, fake-furred vermin! This is MY bed! MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE! And just in case you don't know, I DON'T SHARE!

{Pause}
BC: I see you cuddle with my Momma every night - IN MY SPOT on her chest! MY SPOT!!!! She can't give me two handed ear rubs when her arms are around you, furball! 
{Pause}
BC: Leave ... or you'll regret it! I've had it with your arrogance and smugness.

{Pause}
BC: Prepare to die! Mark my words. This is your last chance!
{Pause}
BC: Wipe that silly grin off your face! 

{Pause}
BC: You DIDN'T just go there! I was born like this ... what's YOUR excuse? A feeble mind? Figures. You were a present from The Boy to my Momma ... feeble minded like feeble minded.

{Pause}
BC: MY Momma! MY. That's M-Y. MINE!
{Pause}
BC: I'm going to rearrange your face, PUNK! Just TRY me! NO! I'm going to rearrange all your limbs and stuffing. This is your last chance! Move - or I'll take matters into my own paws! GET READY TO CRUMBLE! 

The Boy: {in the other room with Momma} He means "rumble," right? It's hilarious when he uses tough guy phrases and gets them wrong.
MK: SHHHHHHHH! This is getting good and I'm trying to listen in ...
The Boy: Hahahaha. Who needs cable?!?!
{Pause}
BC: I'm going to tell my Momma on you! This is your last chance!

The Boy: {in the other room with Momma} He sure gives a lot of last chances. Should we do something?
MK: Nah. He's a cat and has a need for a certain amount of indignant arrogant aggression. Better that his furry fury is directed toward the stuffed bear and not us.
The Boy: He's not REALLY going to beat the stuffing out of a stuffed animal, is he?
MK: No. He's just got to be Mr. Tough Pants and talk trash.
BC: That's the LAST straw! Prepare to ... 

{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
{THUNK}
BC: Owwwww.
MK: Uh oh.
The Boy: What? What happened?
BC: Thought you'd clock me, didn't you?

The Boy: The bear punched him?
MK: Nah. He probably charged and ran into the wall.
BC: That's IT! I've had it with your impertinence! You wouldn't dare to attack me a second time!
The Boy: Does he REALLY think a stuffed animal attacked ....
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH! Take that! And this!

{Momma walks into the bedroom where Bear is whacking the stuffed bear he knocked on the floor}


MK: That's enough, Bear.
BC: You always take HIS side!

MK: He didn't do anything to you! You have the bed to yourself!
BC: One more whack to teach this loser a lesson!

{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIII ...

{The phone rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

{Pause}
BC: {Running under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

{Pause}
BC: {from under the bed} I KNEW it! Beary is in with the Cob. They're coming for me. If anyone asks for Bear "The Jaws" Cat ... I'm not here!
MK: What?
The Boy: You mean a corn cob?
BC: {in a mocking voice} "You mean a corn cob?" Yeah, dumb nuts. Beary's in with the corn mob. Phht.
MK: Ah. Cob as in the cat mob?
BC: Is it state the obvious day again? The question is HOW Beary got in with the Cob. I've been trying to get in with them for eight of my lives! I've filled out application after application!
MK: Why would you want to be a member of the cat mob?
BC: Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you?!?!
MK: I guess.
BC: The Cob launders tasty whole chickens. Everyone knows that. I want to be hired on so I can skim a little tasty whole chicken off the top. Surely they wouldn't notice if one chicken disappeared from the washer.
MK: Washer?
BC: LAUNDRY, Momma! They LAUNDER chickens! And you said cleaning a chicken was hard!
The Boy: This is insane. 
{Pause}
The Boy: Then again, what else would I expect coming from you? Crazy cat.
BC: Is there any other kind of cat?
The Boy: If you were part of the cat mob, your name would be Bear "THE FAT" Cat.
BC: You have a lot of room to talk!
MK: Wait a ... the Cob gets tasty whole chickens in exchange for their illegal activities?
The Boy: Don't encourage him!
BC: What's considered illegal is somewhat in the eye of the beholder, yes?
MK: I can't believe they wouldn't accept you given your portfolio! I mean, you extort food from The Boy every single day - in exchange for your liking him.
The Boy: WHAT?!?!?
MK: You only pose for pictures for me if treats are involved. You're always using your "muscle" to get what you want ...
BC: I KNOW! I even listed you as a reference! 
The Boy: What? I don't get to be a reference? You do some of your best work on me.
MK: Now who's encouraging him!?!?
BC: I have some messages for you, Beary!!! PAY ATTENTION! If you take over my bed again while I'm under here, I'm going to be REALLY mad. REALLY mad!
{Pause}
BC: And I'll tell my Momma on you!
MK: No one's fighting you, Bear.
BC: Don't fall for the stuffed bear's clueless look! He knows EXACTLY what he's doing!

BC: And one more thing, stupid bear ... if I ever catch you near my food bowl ... that'll be lights out for you! Just remember that. No one messes with my food and lives to tell about it once my Momma's done with them!
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: "Once my Momma's done with them!" Sounds like your Momma is more muscle than you, Fat Cat. Maybe SHE should apply for the Cob.
BC: Just saying. He can't say I didn't warn him.
The Boy: He's a STUFFED BEAR, Bear! He can't say you did either!
BC: {sending The Boy a dirty look} You're in cahoots with this rapscallion, aren't you? You feed him intelligence. Not that you HAVE any intelligence. I mean you feed him my whereabouts ... my strengths ... my weaknesses ... you probably even feed him more tasty chickens than you feed me! You should be ashamed of yourself! When I come out from under the bed, I'm going to have my Momma beat you up too!
The Boy: I don't hide behind my Momma like you do.
BC: I don't HIDE behind her ... I just stay where it's safe until she takes care of the threat.
The Boy: You were right, Bear. "Get ready to crumble" suits you well.
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!?!
{Silence}

{Momma and The Boy leave Bear hiding under the bed in the bedroom and sit down in the family room}
BC: {starting to sing from under the bed} Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
MK: {from the other room} Not again.
The Boy: It's actually kind of funny. Hahahaha.
{The Boy notices the look on Momma's face}
The Boy: Err ...
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they torture you?
The Boy: You DO brush his teeth and clip his claws ...
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they won't share food with you?
MK: Oh, for the love ...
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they ignore you?
MK: {from the other room} That's it. You're GROUNDED, Bear!
BC: Bad Mommas, bad Mommas.
Whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when they're mean to you?
{Bear repeats the tune over and over again ... ♩ ♬ ♩ ♬}

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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Celebrate the Year of The Cat with Wellness® Complete Health™ Cat Food #HappyMeetsHealthy

This post is sponsored by Wellness® and the BlogPaws® Pet Influencer Network™. I am being compensated to help share the availability of Wellness® Complete Health™ and NEW Complete Health Grain Free Cat Food available at PetSmart, but we only share information we feel is relevant to our readers. Neither Wellness or PetSmart is not responsible for the content of this article.



BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Bear Cat Kat reporting for duty, human underling.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: YesterdayI heard you telling The Boy that this is the year of the cat! I'm ready to assume my throne!
MK: Bear ...
BC: And don't forget my tiara and my wand!
MK: Wand? You're a magician king?
BC: MAGICIAN KING. Phht. As if. I'm a magician PRINCESS! Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest - NOT at your service - to be exact.
MK: Not this again.
BC: Bow down! Or OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM} Bow DOWN! Where are my tasty whole chickens?
MK: Bear, you wouldn't know what to do with a tasty whole chicken if it fell out of the sky and landed in your food bowl!
BC: Phht. I wouldn't know what to do with ... DUH! I'd EAT IT!
MK: Oh, for the love ... you'd hide under the bed if chickens fell out of the sky!
BC: Phht. That's just smart. Don't want to risk a head injury. Unless you have a chicken umbrella. Do you have a chicken umbrella? Better to be safe than sorry!
MK: Bear, you are a scared-y cat and you couldn't hunt if your life depended on it! You're lucky that there are wholesome, natural, and well-balanced cat foods available so you don't have to hunt.
BC: I can hunt! I hunt you and The Boy ALL. THE. TIME!!! I'm the shark! I'm FEROCIOUS!
MK: Bear, celebrating the year of the cat is in honor of Wellness Pet Food's update of the Wellness® Complete Health™ line of dry and canned cat foods - not only have many of the items been reformulated - but they've introduced grain-free options within the Complete Health line!
BC: Grain free? You mean like felines' natural prey?
MK: Yes! The Wellness® Complete Health™ grain-free options include Deboned Chicken and Chicken Meal for adult kitties, Salmon and Herring Meal especially formulated for indoor kitties, and Deboned Chicken and Chicken Meal for kittens. The animal lovers, nutritionists, and vets at Wellness chose the ingredients carefully and made sure to balance the formulas with vitamins and minerals for a cat's optimal health. Each ingredient has a well-studied purpose and health benefit ... with the goal of helping people provide their pets, "healthy and long lives through the power of natural nutrition."
BC: Did you say .... CHICKEN?
MK: Hahaha. From that, all you heard was chicken! Which is just as it should be. You should be able to enjoy your food without a care other than if it tastes good.  It's MY job to ensure that I choose the best foods for you - and I take that responsibility VERY seriously because you eat essentially the same thing every day so it must be balanced and accommodate all your nutritional needs. I've learned my lessons the hard way - my family didn't take food nutrition into account with Kitty and she suffered the consequences later in life. For me, QUALITY protein content is one of the most important factors. Not only is it important to make sure your food contains the RIGHT ingredients - but it's JUST as important to make sure your food doesn't contain harmful ingredients or those that aren't palatable to a cat's diet. Wellness® Complete Health™ recipes DO NOT contain corn, carrageenan, soy, wheat, or artificial colors and flavors.

BC: Blah blah blah blah blah.
MK: It's important, Bear! Remember the old saying, "you are what you eat?" If you eat healthy, you will be healthy!
BC: You're a doughnut? Fat, round, devoid of substance, and with a hole in the middle? Because you eat A LOT of doughnuts!
MK: Ummm ... err ... {Trying to change the subject} Speaking of chicken, I chose the Wellness® Complete Health™ grain-free chicken formula dry food for you, Bear.

BC: CHICKEN! CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN!!!!!!!
MK: I also selected a variety of the wet food options. I love that there are so many different textures and flavors within the Complete Health™ line. The wet food textures include pate, sliced, minced, cubed, and gravies. 
BC: Did you say ... GRAVY?!?!?!
MK: Yep. I knew you'd like that! Flavors include tuna, turkey, chicken, salmon, and beef - all your favorites.
BC: Is that why you went to Petsmart last weekend?
MK: Yes. You can find Wellness cat food at Petsmart - including the Complete Health™ line of dry and canned cat foods. 



BC: Wait a ... you mentioned all the healthy aspects of these foods, but if it's good for me, I can't eat it! Like HEALTHY would taste good!
MK: Come on, Bear!
BC: Nop ... umm ... err ... {SNIFF} {SNIFF} {SNIFF} ... CHICKEN!

{Pause}
BC: Excuse you as I inhale this! Nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom.


{Pause}
BC: And Bear Cat accomplishes a record in the time it takes to chow down on the wet food!
MK: Did you like it?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Maybe.
MK: You sure gobbled it down.
BC: I can't give you the satisfaction - especially since you approve of its healthfulness.
MK: Well, I guess I'll have to return the rest of the cans if you don't ...
BC: MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE! Just TRY to take it from my claws!
MK: Hehehehe.
BC: Can I have more?

MK: No.
BC: But you said Wellness Cat food is wholesome, remember? More healthy food means more health, right?
MK: Nice try. 
BC: RATS!

Celebrate The Year of the Cat and better nutrition with Wellness Cat Food and your favorite feline(s)!  You can find Wellness® Complete Health and Complete Health Grain Free options at PetSmart®. To read more about the benefits of Wellness® Complete Health™ and to check out all the available options - click the link to Wellness Complete Health. With the Wellness catisfaction guarantee, you have nothing to lose - return the unused portion back to PetSmart for a full refund if your cat doesn't like the new Wellness Complete Health recipes! 

You may also find Wellness Pet Food (@wellnesspetfood) on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Wellness®. The opinions and text are all mine.

Friday, April 21, 2017

The collar

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

Daily conversation - The collar:
{Momma and The Boy walk in the front door ... talking to each other}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

The Boy: Hi, Buddy.
BC: {narrowing his eyes at The Boy} My name is BEAR, moron!
The Boy: I know that! It's a nickname like when your Momma calls you Love Bug or Snuggle Bug or just Bug!
BC: Phht. We're not on a nickname basis!
The Boy: You called me Daddy yesterday!
BC: As an INSULT! Holy cat crap on a cracker ... you're too stupid to figure out when I'm insulting you!
The Boy: And your Momma joked that I should've bought you a fish from the pet supply store! They had all kinds of pretty fish. But if you're INSULTING me ...
BC: Pet supply store?!?!? What'd you get me?
{Pause}
BC: A tasty whole chicken?
The Boy: Bear ...
BC: TREATS?!?!?!

MK: But ...
BC: WHAT?!?! What'd you get me? FOOD?!?!?!
MK: Not exactly.
BC: Kibble?
The Boy: Hahahaha. "Not exactly food" means kibble!
MK: Don't encourage him!
BC: ENCOURAGE ME! ENCOURAGE ME!
MK: Bear ...
BC: WHOA! You FINALLY got my cat hammock!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: TOYS?!?!?! I need more micey!
MK: Bear, you have over twenty micey and so many toys you usually can't pick just one to play with.

BC: That sounds like I don't have enough!
{Pause}
BC: SOOOOOOO ... what did you get ME?!?!?!
MK: A collar.
BC: I'm sorry ... that doesn't compute.
MK: A COLLAR.

BC: WHAT?!?!?! Is this a JOKE?!?!
MK: No.
BC: And just what did I ever do to you?
MK: Are you seriously asking that question?
The Boy: Hahahahahahaha. Yeah, that'd be a stupid one.
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!?! Was this YOUR idea? Sure. Just persecute the cute, sweet, and innocent kitty cat who you've already royally screwed over!
The Boy: Ummm ... is there a cute, sweet, and innocent kitty cat around here? Because I haven't met him or her.
BC: SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?! Make yourself scarce or I'm the shark!
The Boy: Last night was MORE than enough, thank you.
BC: You're NOT welcome. This was YOUR idea, wasn't it?
MK: No, Bear. It was my idea. Since we've been blogging, I noticed that most of our friends with indoor only cats still put collars on their cats just in case. It sounds like a pretty good idea.
BC: But ... but ... I haven't been outside in MONTHS! YEARS! I don't even remember what grass tastes like when I'm barfing it back up!
MK: What happens if you run outside and get lost?
BC: I promise to just stay in our yard!
MK: No.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: {sigh}.
The Boy: He's got a point. He's too scared to go out very far. The first car or person he hears, he's at the front door, banging to be let back in.
BC: I'm not SCARED! I'm a ferocious Bear Cat! Who's the shark?
The Boy: It doesn't count when you know the victim won't retaliate. 
BC: Are YOU the expert on having balls and being fearless? I think not.
The Boy: HEY ....
BC: So how does the collar thing work? Can you show me on you?
MK: What?
BC: Yeah. Put the collar on yourself to demonstrate to me how it works.
The Boy: That's it! If you do that, I'm leaving!
MK: Bear's got a point ... maybe it would be better if I showed him ...
BC: DUDE! You should have seen when she demonstrated how to sit in a box! 
MK: HEY! I thought you were missing an essential experience of cathood by not sitting in boxes ... so I just provided the example on how to do it!
The Boy: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
BC: Yeah, no kidding. Especially since she didn't compare the size of the box relative to her doughnut butt! She sat in the box and then it was stuck on her butt when she stood back up! Hahahahaha. PRICELESS! It was even funnier than watching her fit into some of her clothes when she refuses to admit all the doughnuts she eats might make them too small!
The Boy: Hahahahahahahaha. {Seeing Momma's face} Err ... honey?
{Silence}
The Boy: Bear gets me in trouble on purpose!
BC: You don't need my help at all there smarty-pants!
MK: Time to try out the collar, Bear.

BC: Over my dead body!
The Boy: I can arrange that!
BC: HEY! Who asked you?
MK: Bear, that's enough. Let me ...
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BEAR ABUSE!!! BEAR ABUSE!!! MY MOMMA'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!! BRUTALLY! UNBEARABLE PAIN! UNBEARABLE PAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: Hahahahaha. BEAR in unBEARable pa ...
MK: OWWWWWW!
BC: Take that!
MK: There.

BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{The bell on the collar rings as Bear runs around}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{The bell on the collar rings as Bear runs around}
BC: AHHHHHH! It's following me! It's following me!!! It's going to kill me! It's going to kill me!
MK: Come here, Bear. I'll take the bell off.
BC: NO! NO! Don't touch me! You did this to me! I HATE YOU!
MK: Come here, Bug. {Momma picks Bear up}.
BC: Put me down! Put me ... PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

{Pause}
BC: RATS! Damn my purrer! One of these days I'm going to gain control over the ... the ... PUUUURRRRRRRRRRR ... RATS! Unhand me woman! Oooooooooooh! Ear rubs! PUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

The Boy: Some kitty is spoiled ... he just melts right in your arms!
MK: There. The bell is off.
BC: HUH?!? What? Why did you quit petting me? HEY!
{Bear rubs the side of his face back and forth on Momma's hand}
MK: I love you, Bug.
BC: PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRR ... PURRR ... RRRR ... 
{Pause}
BC: ARG!
MK: OWWWW!
BC: That's enough!

{Bear walks around a little bit ...}
BC: Huh. This collar is sexy! Check this out! Check this out!
{Pause}
BC: Hey! How you doin'? Like my collar? It has YOUR name on it!
The Boy: Your pick up lines need work.
BC: This from the guy who landed my Momma.
The Boy: Hahahahaha ... err ... I was kidding, honey! SEE?!?! I told you Bear gets me in trouble all the ...
BC: Calling all torties! Calling all torties!
The Boy: What's your obsession with torties?
BC: Have you ever met a tortie in catson?
The Boy: Catson? Oh. Person, but a cat. No.
BC: Then you wouldn't understand. Let's just say they're out of your league.
The Boy: You never met a tortie face-to-face either! You'd run!
MK: He did meet a tortie face-to-face outside once ... and he panicked.
BC: She was a groupie! I almost lost my fur!
The Boy: He's ridiculous.
BC: Talking about yourself? 
{Pause}
BC: Hmmmmmm?  Now, QUIET ON THE SET! {AHEM}.
{To the beat of LMFAO's "Sexy And I Know It."}
When I saunter by,
my sexy makes the girls sigh.
Many torties to meet,
shaking my hot tail to the beat. 

This is how I stroll,
tabby stripes, sexy out of control.
I'm Bear Cat, the master of claws,
Like catwalk models for applause.
Hottie, look at this body.
Hottie, look at this body.
Hottie, look at this body.
I rock out.
Hottie look at this body.
Hottie look at this body.
Hottie look at this body.
I rock out.

{Pause}
BC: 
When I walk on the street, this is what I see,
hot girl kitties stop and they stare at me.
I got passion in my stripes,
and I'm not afraid to show it.
I'm sexy and I know it.
I'm sexy and I know it.
Check it out, check it out.

{Pause}
BC: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.

{Silence}
BC: TADA!

MK: Oh, my head.
BC: Want more of THIS?!?! Huh?

BC: {AHEM}.
I'm too sexy for my house,
Too sexy for my house,
Don't you think so, my little mouse?
{Pause}
BC: I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah,
I shake my little tail on the catwalk.
{Pause}
BC: I'm too sexy for my fur,
Too sexy for my fur,
Just listen to me PURRRRRR.
{Pause}
BC: I'm too sexy for my mom,
Too sexy for my mom,
Ain't I just the mother-meowing bomb!
{Pause}
BC: I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk.
{Pause}
BC: I'm too sexy for my teeth,
Too sexy for my teeth,
You can't imagine the unbearable pain they bequeath!
{Pause}
BC: I'm too sexy for my claws,
Too sexy for my claws,
And too sexy even for my adorable paws!
{Pause}
BC: I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tail on the catwalk.
{Pause}
BC: I'm too sexy for my tail,
Too sexy for my tail,
You can't measure my pounds of sexy on any scale!


{Pause}
BC: The TORTIES will LOOOOOOOVE this!

The Boy: I'll lock the doors and windows to ensure we won't be smashed in a tortie stampede.
BC: That's the smartest thing you've said since you moved in!
The Boy: I was being sarcastic! You'd run under the bed.
BC: Hmmm. Not a bad idea. Better to be safe than sorry. Torties are frisky.
The Boy: Is he just completely ridiculous or is he kidding?
BC: {from under the bed} I NEVER kid about torties! Underestimate them at your own peril!

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