Friday, July 21, 2017

Growing pains

What happened in Ellie's first two weeks with us? The best way to describe it: growing pains. While Bear and Ellie are mostly okay together - every so often, there's a huge hissy/bite-y/whappy paw conflagration. For that reason, and to give the cats a break from each other, we close Ellie in the second bedroom overnight. We're still adjusting, still adapting, still trying to figure out just how this two cat household will work. We have hope!

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

{Momma lets Ellie out of her room in the morning}
MK: Hi, Precious! How's Momma's girl?
EM: {Chirping in meows} Food! FOOD! FOODFOODFOOD!!!
MK: You have a food bowl in your room.
EM: But it doesn't have BEAR'S kibble in it!!!
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You know how he gets.
EM: He eats out of my food bowl ALL DAY!!
BC: What up, Brat?
{Pause}
BC: Your tail ... as ALWAYS. You're such a suck-up.
MK: Bear! Your tail is up most of the ...
BC: {seeing Ellie's food bowl} Oooooooh!! My food is available! Yumyumyumyumyum.
MK: This is ridiculous. First thing in the morning, you go for Ellie's kibble and she goes for yours ... even though you each have full bowls of your own all night.
EM: Uh oh.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! She eats MY food while I'm eating hers??!?! WELL, I NEVER!!!!

MK: Seems fair to me.
BC: No one asked you.
EM: I think it's fair.
BC: You don't count.
EM: I count too! I can count higher than you can!!! And I'm cuter too!!!
MK: So you both prefer the other cat's kibble.
BC: Phht. Surely, you've heard the saying!
EM: Shirley?!? Momma's name is Shirley?
BC: Oh, great. You found the ONE cat that's even dumber than Dumbnuts.
EM: Hahahaha. She DID adopt you after all.
BC: I didn't hear that.
EM: {louder} SHE. DID. ADOPT. YOU. AFTER. ALL.
{Momma snickers}
BC: That wasn't very nice.
EM: You insinuated that I'm dumb first!
BC: WHO ASKED YOU?!?!?
MK: You mentioned a saying?
BC: The kibble is always greener in the other food bowl.

{Pause}
EM: EWWW!
BC: Ummm ... that sounded better in my head.
{Pause}
EM: And yet, you just go on talking ...
BC: Hey!
EM: ... and talking and talking ...
BC: I HATE sharing! So help me, if I ever get a tasty whole chicken, you better keep your paws to yourself!
EM: I promise I won't steal your tasty whole chicken ...

BC: You better believe ...
EM: ... because it will be MY tasty whole chicken in the first place.
BC: You don't have the balls ...
EM: Technically, neither do you.
BC: WHAT?!?!? You just HAD to go there didn't you? It's not polite to remind a "fixed" male of what he lacks.
EM: You?! FIXED?!?! Hahahahahahahahaha.
BC: Wait a ... your claws are crossed behind your back!!!
{Ellie snickers}
BC: You've only lived here for a few weeks and you act like you own ...
EM: I'm not acting. I DO own everything.
BC: Would you let me finish?!?!
EM: You didn't let me finish my wet food treat last night.
BC: What's that have to do with anything?
EM: Chicken and salmon have everything to do with everything.
BC: {sigh} I can't argue with that. 
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... what are you laying ... MY CATNIP BANANA!

EM: You were too busy complaining about our kibble exchange to get to MY banana first.
BC: RATS! You steal my banana every day! You lay on it JUST SO I can't play with it!
EM: Looks like it's MY banana now.

BC: That's IT. You asked for it ... I'm going to open my can of furry fury whoop-a$$ on you!
{Pause}
BC: MOOMMMMMMMMMmmma! Ellie stole my banana again!

EM: I love your furry fury whoop-a$$. And not just because your a$$ is huge! But you ask MOMMA to intervene instead of fighting your own battles. Although, that furry fury whoop-a$$ isn't nearly as crazy as the one where you talk all tough and then run under the bed when confronted.
BC: I ... YOU ... I HATE YOU!
MK: BEAR!
EM: {to Bear} Because THAT'S something I haven't heard from you before.
BC: Hold on.
{Bear spends time writing furiously}

BC: TADA!!! This list contains everything that's MINE. Just so there's no confusion.




EM: You talk, I possess.
BC: There's a list of what's yours too. You can't say I'm not fair or that you didn't get anything.

MK: You can't do that.
BC: Why not?!?!
MK: Bear, the only things on "her" list are things you don't want. 
BC: OBVIOUSLY. That's just common sense! If I don't want them, then she can have them.
{Pause}
BC: Time for the labeling. Can I have the post-its?

MK: For what?
BC: To mark the things on my list as mine.
EM: Me TOO! Me TOO!
MK: Ellie, what's on your list isn't the only stuff that belongs to you. Just because Bear says something doesn't make it ...
BC: Wait a ... don't touch that! Don't touch that!!! So help me ... AWWWWWWWWWW MAAAN! That was on my list, you know!
MK: Come here, Ellie. 
EM: Meow meow meow meeeeeooow meow.
MK: I love you, Princess.
EM: Meow meow meow! [rough translation: I love you, Momma!]
MK: You're such a talker!
BC: Phht. She never shuts up! 
MK: She's a tiny dancer too. Her kneading looks like marching. It's so adorable.
BC: BARF. Phht. PLUMP dancer. And I don't like sharing you!
MK: Bear, you get your special time with me too. Since Ellie sleeps in her room at night, you get to snuggle with me all night ... and she doesn't.
BC: I get to snuggle with you AND DUMBNUTS, you mean.
MK: Having a sister isn't ALL bad. You get a second food bowl full of different kibble.
BC: Our definitions of "full" vary widely. Hmph. I prefer the extra treats I trick you into giving poor, poor, starving me.
EM: Uh oh.
BC: RATS! I meant the treats you give me to make up for my upset over having to share.
{Pause}
BC: Poor me. Poor, poor me! My life will never be the same.
MK: I already gave you treats this morning.
BC: RATS! 
{Pause as Ellie walks toward the cat tree ... }
BC: I swear! If she touches my cat tree ... wait a ... but ... but ... that's MY cat tree! Don't touch that! Don't touch that! Awwwwww maaaaaaan!!! 
EM: What are you going to do about it, tough guy?!?!
BC: I'm going to ... to ... hmmm ... MOM!!! Tell Ellie to stop touching my cat tree!!! The cat tree is on MY list.

MK: It's a huge cat tree, you can share.
BC: NO! I can't! She has girl cooties!
MK: I have girl cooties!
BC: You're not a girl! You have Momma cooties!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Last night when you tried to catch me to torture me with that toothbrush, I went to my favorite hiding spot where you can't reach me under my cat tree and Ellie was there! SCREWED! I was SCREWED!!!

MK: Bear ...
BC: And the night before, I went to hide under the bed and SHE was there!!!

MK: Yeah. She doesn't want her pill just as much as you don't want your teeth brushed. It's been a little rough the past couple weeks. Her roundworms - then taking you in and treating you as a precaution .. then there was the flea I thought I saw on Ellie and the flea treatment I used on you as a result that caused you to lose your fur in the application area.
BC: I had to go to the vet a second time in THREE DAYS! Just because of my stupid sister!
EM: Aww .. you called me your sister!
BC: STUPID sister. And you had diarrhea all up in MY litter box!
MK: Bear, she couldn't help it. She had to go back to the vet too - and she got a bunch of tests done.
EM: And I have to get a pill twice a day now.
BC: Hahaha. I'm proud when I hear you use all the colorful language I taught you in our first encounters.
MK: YOU taught her those words?
BC: Err ... I meant the words she taught ME!!! Now if you'll excuse me ... I have some post-its to distribute.
MK: Don't you da ...
{Slap!!! as Bear puts a post-it with his name on the love seat}

{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... love seat ... {Bear scratches on the love seat frantically}. La de do de da la la la la la.


BC: Hold my calls ... I don't want to be disturbed as I work ...
{Ten minutes pass as Bear slaps "his" things with post-its that have his name on them - in the order in which they appear on his list ... except for the love seat that he labeled first}



{Bear starts to walk away ... then turns around to find Ellie eating from his newly post-it-ed food bowl}

BC: HEY!!! Can't you read the sign?!?
EM: Yes. But I don't care. Your food tastes better than mine!
BC: MoooooommmmmmmmmmmmmMMA! DO SOMETHING!!!
MK: No.
BC: RATS! FINE! I have more post-its to distribute anyway!
{Another ten minutes pass as Bear slaps the rest of "his" things with post-its that have his name on them - in the order in which they appear on his list}





BC: PHEW! That was hard work! Time for a na ...
EM: Knock knock.
{Silence}
BC: {looking both ways} Is there someone at the front door?
EM: No. It's a joke.
BC: What's so funny about, "knock knock?"
EM: NO! That's NOT the joke. You're supposed to respond with, "Who's there?"
BC: Why?
EM: BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY THIS JOKE WORKS!
BC: But if you already know what I'm going to say, what's the point?
EM: Let's try this again.
{Pause}
EM: Knock knock.
BC: I'M NOT HOME!
EM: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAARRRR!!! Stop ruining my joke!
BC: How can I ruin something that's not funny?
EM: Just play along!
BC: Last time you said that, I got in trouble!
EM: As if you really need help with that.
BC: {sigh} FINE. Who's there?
EM: You're.
BC: I'm what?
EM: NO!!! You're supposed to say, "You're who?"
BC: How's a cat supposed to know what to say?!?! I can't read minds, you know!
EM: Do it!
BC: You're who?
EM: I'm the mother-meowing bomb ... {gesturing to the banana} and this is my little friend.
{Pause}
EM: You have to put post-its with MY name on the things that are mine! That's only fair!
MK: Ellie, everything here is just as much yours as it is Bear's. There's no need to ...
{Slap!!! as Bear puts a post-it with Ellie's name on The Boy ... and the rest of the items on the list with Ellie's name on it}


{Bear comes out to the family room to find Ellie on "his" cat bed ...}

BC: HEY! That's MY cat bed!!! It had my name on it!!!
EM: I'm not on the cat bed.
BC: OF COURSE YOU ARE!
EM: No. I'm on the post-it with your name on it ... which you put on the cat bed. It's not MY fault the post-it I wanted to sit on is on the cat bed with your name on it.
BC: That actually kind of makes ... no wait a minute ...

{Pause}
BC: That's it! I've HAD it! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!
{Bear brutally attacks the brown paper on the floor and starts shredding it}

BC: I'm going to KILL you, Ellie! I HATE YOU!!!!! I've had it with all this SHARING nonsense. I've had it with you not leaving me alone! I'm going to tear you into smithereens!
EM: Did I hear my name?

BC: I'm pretending this paper is you. You should probably take that as a warning of what I'm capable of.
EM: It doesn't matter what you're capable of when you don't have the balls to try it.
BC: I ... YOU! ... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG.
{Bear attacks the paper again}

EM: MEEEEEEEOW.
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {Bear runs around the family room, up the hall, around the bedroom, and then back down the hall} She's trying to kill me! She's trying to kill me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Bear stop when he sees Ellie laying on the brown paper he was playing with seconds ago}
BC: I hate you. I REALLY hate you.
EM: Sometimes you make it too easy. 
BC: Prepare to die!
{Bear and Ellie get into a wrestling match over the paper}


EM: Hold it! Hold it! We can SHARE the paper!

BC: Over my dead body!
{Bear and Ellie go back to wrestling over the ownership of the paper}

BC: Wait a ... give me a ... {Bear huffs and puffs, looks around, and notices they are sharing the paper}.

{Pause}
BC: Huh. Sharing isn't so bad!

EM: It really isn't.
BC: Don't get used to it.
EM: You shouldn't either. I'm only SHARING out of the kindness of my heart because I feel sorry for you. If I REALLY wanted the paper all to myself, I'd have it.
BC: I ... YOU ... THAT'S ... THIS IS ... I've never been so insulted!
EM: That's what you said yesterday ... and the day before ... and pretty much every day for the past two weeks. I must get better with age.
BC: Surely, you meant DEADER.
EM: Nope. Better.
BC: {under his breath} We'll see about that.

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