Friday, October 20, 2017

Bear finally has enough

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae

MK: Momma Kat

BC: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT-A-BUUUUUUUU ...
EM: Don't you mean COW-A-BUNGA?!?
BC: You just can't miss a chance to call me fat, can you?
EM: I wasn't calling you fat! Err ... THIS time. Though you OBVIOUSLY are! You're doing the paper running wrong!
BC: Doing it wrong? NO. I think I know what I'm doing! I meant CAT-A-BUNGA. Now, if you'll excuse yourself ...
EM: Why would I excuse myself? I was just trying to ...
BC: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT-A-BUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNGA! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRG! HIIIII-YAH!
{Bear runs through a sheet of packing paper}
EM: What are you doing?
BC: I ran so fast that all you could see was the black racing stripe down my back, right?
EM: Err ... sure.
BC: I thought so.
EM: What are you doing?
BC: You wouldn't understand.
EM: You like to play in paper too?
BC: Phht. I don't PLAY in paper. I'm working.
EM: Last time you claimed you were "working," you pulled down an entire bookcase, passed out after five minutes and snored loudly for the next couple hours.
BC: HEY! That only happened TWICE. Do you mind?
EM: Not really.
BC: I don't want an audience. I'm BUSY here!
EM: Playing in the paper?
BC: NO!
EM: Then what are you doing?
BC: You ask too many questions.
EM: People only say that when they don't want to answer the questions.
BC: So what? Momma gets the hint!
EM: What hint?!? If you're playing in the paper, maybe we can play together and it will be more fun!
{Bear rips off several pieces of the paper}

EM: Is that supposed to be a threat?!?!
{Bear rips off a couple more pieces of paper}
EM: Are you teaching the paper a lesson?
{Bear rolls around in the paper}
EM: Are you ignoring me so I'll go away?
EM: Let me play! Let me play!
BC: This is MY paper! Get your own! There are a billion sheets all over this house!
EM: Come on! You can share!
{Ellie pounces on Bear}
BC: {pushing Ellie backward} HEY! I was here first! Get away from my paper!
EM: Daddy! Daddy! Bear's beating me up! Bear's beating me up!
BC: Oh. for crying ... YOU started it! I was just minding my own business, working in my paper.
EM: Working doing what?
BC: I'm really tired of you following me everywhere and bugging me!
EM: I'm not scared of you!
BC: No. You just call your Daddy to save you!
EM: Hey! Are you talking smack about my Daddy?
BC: My Momma could beat up your Daddy!
EM: TAKE IT BACK!
BC: No.
EM: TAKE IT BACK!
BC: Or ...
EM: {springing in Bear's direction} Arrrrrrgggg!
{The fight continues for a few minutes}
EM: {laying on the paper} MY paper. That's what I thought.
BC: MOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA!
{Pause}
BC: {as he walks away} That's IT! I've had it. She acts so innocent. And The Boy buys her "Bear's being mean to me" act. At least Momma saw through it rather quickly. A man cat has his stuff ... and while it's not right to sock a lady, that black rapscallion ain't no lady! More like a rabid goat. I swear ... {on and on ...}
{An hour passes ... Ellie leaves the paper and goes back to her bedroom to take a nap ... Bear comes back out and gets an idea as he hears Ellie waking up ...}
BC: {giggling as he watches Ellie walk down the hall and lays in Ellie's new bed} Here she comes ... here she comes ... right on schedule too!!!
EM: {walking down the hall} What should I do next?!?! So many toys ... so little time. The catnip banana ... my favorite kick-stick ... the crinkle balls ... I wish Momma could find my sparkle balls. "I can't find them! I've looked under everything in this house! Tell me where they are, Ellie, and I'll get them out!" Phht. Like I'M the keeper of those sparkle balls. They have minds of their ... {GASP}!!!

{Pause as Ellie surveys Bear in her new bed}
EM: HEY! That's MY bed!

BC: I don't see your name on it!
EM: It smells like me! Close enough! 
BC: This whole house smells like me, but you didn't get the hint, now did you?
EM: EVERYTHING smells like you around here ... my new bed was the ONE thing that was mine!
BC: Phht. The Boy is yours.

EM: That doesn't count because you don't want him anyway! Besides, I need a place to sleep when I can't be in his lap! He works! And sometimes he doesn't feel like snuggling!
BC: Too bad.

EM: I want to lay in my bed!
BC: I heard you trying to decide what to play with as you walked down the hall. You were coming out here to play! You just want the bed now since I'm in it.
EM: SO?!?! You didn't like cheese before I ate it! And you weren't interested in boxes until I was interested in them!

BC: Somehow I DON'T feel sorry for you! Revenge is home to roost, Smelly Ellie! And it's even tastier than tasty whole chickens!
EM: You're MEAN!
BC: Momma told me I had to share ... so do you!
EM: You just want the bed because it's mine!
BC: So? Shall we review all the things you stole from me?!?! Earlier today, you took my paper. Yesterday, you snarfed my good catnip. You steal my Momma ...
{Pause for photographic proof}


BC: You steal my banana ...
{Pause for photographic proof}


BC: You steal MY bed ...
{Pause for photographic proof}

BC: You eat out of my food bowl ...
{Pause for photographic proof}
BC: You TRIED to steal my table ...
{Pause for photographic proof}
BC: You steal my belly rubs!
{Pause for photographic proof}
BC: You steal my cat condo ...
{Pause for photographic proof}
BC: And I've had it!
{Bear and Ellie stand there staring at each other ...}
BC: You're lucky it's my nap time. We'll finish this later!
{Bear walks off down the hall ... a couple hours pass}
MK: {walking into the room} It's WAY too quiet in here for even one cat ...
{Momma looks around and finds Ellie near the pile of goodies Momma brought home from the BlogPaws Conference}
EM: La de da ... Just looking around ... la de da ... do de do ...

{Momma walks around the corner - but peeks back around the corner to find Ellie with her paw in one of Momma's bags}

EM: I ALMOST got it! Just a little further ... ooooooh .... BINGO!

EM: Hahahahahahahahaha. Phht. Momma thinks she can keep me out of stuff if she buries it in the bottom of a bag with another heavy bag on top. That might work with my stupid brother ... but ...

MK: ELLIE MAE KAT!
EM: Uh oh.
MK: Wasn't yesterday enough?!?! You chewed through the bag before I even knew you had it!
{Momma reviews the sights from yesterday's nip attack in her head ... notice the different colored bag}



MK: Ellie, you enjoyed the purple bag ... this one should be Bear's.
EM: How about I pay you to look the other way and we'll never mention this again.
MK: {reaching down to grab the bag} Ellie ...
EM: NO! NO! Don't take away my little friend! He UNDERSTANDS me! He LOVES me ...
BC: {walking into the room} What's going on in ... {GASP}! You BIG thief! Why can't you keep your paws off stuff around here?!?! Momma's lucky she got the bag itself out of your paws yesterday - before you consumed it with the rest of the plant. Where the heck did you find this?!?! Momma brought it home from the Conference MONTHS ago and she hid it.

EM: It's not MY fault you're too stupid to ...
BC: Sisters SUCK! There's not one good thing about having a sister!
EM: But don't you like to play with me?
BC: NO!
EM: And we work together to beg for treats! Strength in numbers like.
BC: I don't need your help!
EM: Well, THAT'S obvious ... you were fat before I got here.
BC: Yesterday after you took out the nip sample, you ate an entire bowl of kibble. You have no room to talk.

EM: {BURP}!!!
MK: Might be time for an intervention.
BC: I agree! I vote to intervene and get rid of Ellie!
MK: No, I meant for her nip obsession.
BC: Why does SHE get an intervention? I want an intervention! Ellie gets everything! You tell me that I have to share with her but she gets stuff that I don't get!

MK: This isn't a competition, Bear.
BC: Of course it is! We should get everything equal!
MK: Oh, really?
BC: Yeah!
MK: You know your wet food treat you both get every night? I put a little extra on your plate. Would you prefer I make them equal?
BC: Ummm ...

EM: HEY!
MK: And you like to snuggle with me when I nap - but Ellie just wants to be in the same room as us. Should I not let you snuggle with me to make everything equal?
BC: Erm ... but you give her everything!
EM: No, she doesn't! Remember yesterday when she opened the can of peaches?! I thought it was cat food and so I followed her around ...
BC: You woke me up from my nap! You were LOUDLY complaining for HOURS. I had to come check things out because I thought you might be dying. No luck.

EM: That's not nice! I thought you came to help!
BC: Nah. I came to watch. It sounded painful.
EM: And today, I got only one treat like you.
BC: We were totally screwed! Like one treat is enough to survive on!
MK: You both have a full bowl of kibble EACH.
BC: You brought home a tasty whole chicken! I smelled it!
MK: For The Boy.
BC: So HE'S the problem?!?! HE got my tasty whole chicken?
EM: And he didn't share!!
BC: We've got business to take care of. BYE.
{Bear and Ellie walk out of the room together whispering among themselves}
MK: {to herself} I feel sorry for The Boy. They're nearly impossible when they double-team you! It's worse than the mob! Worse than the worst organized labor! Those two are PROFESSIONALS ... and well organized when they want to be too.
The Boy: {from the other room} HEY! What's this?!?! I'm trying to ... GET OFF MY KEYBOARD! BOTH OF YOU?!?!? Bear! ELLIE! HEY!!! NO! DON'T press that ... 
BC: {from the other room} Good one, Ellie!
MK: And he doesn't see any benefit to a sister.
The Boy: {from the other room} We just HAD to get a second one!!!

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